Chores and the Banya

This was my last day in Moscow. First, I woke up at 7 (with the help of my alarm) to shower, pack, and check out of the hostel and still have time to get to the internet cafe and call Greg at a reasonable hour. I tried to shave time by taking the metro. That was a mistake! I ended up further from the internet cafe than my hostel was and trekked a bit to get back there. Oh well.

After getting my Greg fix, I went grocery shopping for the train trip. I know that the book (Lonely Planet) says that there is food available at every stop as well as a restaurant car on the train, but I am a little paranoid and decide to load up on fresh fruit, dried fruit, crackers, yogurt, pastries, nut bread, water, rum and vodka. Nothing like having the essentials covered. I was done with my shopping by 2pm and had plenty of time for a nice long trip to the Banya before my train left at 9:30.

Back at the hostel (they have a left luggage area), I dumped my groceries and checked with the hostel staff to find out what I'd need at the Sanduny banya. Note: the banya is the Russian baths - the sauna and birch branch whipping and nude lounging spot. I was told by the two women working at the time that they never went to the banya in the city. It's too expensive and not very good. Harrumph. Not having the choice of going outside the city, I pressed on to ask what I should bring. They said, "oh, nothing. They'll have anything you need there."

I took the scenic route, since I had so much spare time, and got to the baths (Moscow's oldest) by 3. Right away, I started off feeling a bit wary and cheated. The only English language info available is a sign saying that the price is 600 rubles. Then, the woman at the ticket booth wouldn't let me in for less than 1000. Nice. If she was cheating me, that sucks. If not, they need new signs.

Well, I paid the 1000 ($40 US) and went in to the lounge room. There, I was given a key to a locker, assigned to a booth and was told that I'd need to pay to rent sandals and a towel. There were 4 types of towels listed. I splurged and went for the sheet (100 r). Then, the woman managed enough English to try to sell me a massage. The cheapest was the birch branch (1200 p) "massage", so I picked that one. I was assigned a burly, butch looking masseuse who spoke about 10 words of English. She took me in the large bathing room and told me to wait. I waited. About 20 minutes. In the main room, there is a Japanese wood tub with cold water, two Jacuzzis with cold water, various wooden benches and coat racks and about 5 open shower stalls. Very spare, and not at all luxurious. Think concrete walls and floors. I stood around in my towel feeling increasingly annoyed. Finally, masseuse lady came back and told me to sit in the sauna for 2 minutes with my sheet wrapped over my head. I waited in there about 15 minutes and she never came back. The sauna is a large two level room. The stove is on ground level and is surrounded by a rising plane of tiles. There are stairs leading to the wooden loft with benches surrounding the area and a wood floor in the center. There are two small windows for ventilation. Oddly, the point is to get heated as quickly as possible, so I saw more naked people in the bathing area than actually in the sauna.

I finally got out and took a tepid shower then splashed myself with cold water. I waited some more. Then I got back in the sauna, got out and splashed myself with cold water, repeat. After about 45 minutes, I was BORED and confused. I looked around for the soap, product, whatever was offered and found a nice little layout of product on a towel on a bench offering products with labels in Russian, English, and French. Nice, at least they do something well! I washed my face and applied a glob of coffee body scrub (very good, by the way), only to realize that I had just helped myself to someone's private stash. Whoops! Apparently, you're supposed to bring your own. The girl was very nice about the whole thing, but still, quite embarrassing.

I went out to get some water and was denied water and gestured to get back to the sauna. The masseuse came in and told me to lay on the floor of the sauna. Problem, the floor was full of naked Russian women with sheets over themselves. There was plenty of space between bodies, so I asked them to please make space for me. No response. I asked what I was supposed to be doing. No response. The masseuse made me wait in the bathing room. I asked for help and/or to be told what was going on. No response. I called them all a bunch of bitches, suddenly they all spoke English! Amazing.

After an hour and a half, I had not been massaged, had not received water, had not been told what the hell was going on and was pissed! I also started to think about last minute prep for my train. I decided to skip the massage and got the hell out of there. Of course, I was still charged 300 rubels for the birch branches for the massage I never received, and 100 r for the water I never received. I finally learned that this was meant to be a 3 hour "very relaxing" experience that is quite ritualistic. I was told that I really should have come with a Russian friend. Hah! They need to set up a stand selling those.

That was pretty much it. Up until my "treat-myself" experience at the banya, I'd been feeling rather fond of Moscow. I'd finally gotten a handle on the required lack of facial expression, and vague impression of disdain that the true Muscovite gives off and was really enjoying the pastries and blinis, but now, I was ready to get on the train, and meet some people who actually smile and seem happy that you are giving them a great deal of money. Goodbye, Russia!